Fanfiction

I am almost done with the first chapter of Jeff the Killer X Ben Drowned. It has a working title, but I might change it during the course of the day, so I'll refrain from giving it now.

I will never be able to express how much I love fanfiction. It is the most anti-Industry thing I have found. There is freedom in it, and while the gain is most certainly not monetary, there is equal value in being recognized by the people that read you and being loved by them. Their reviews are from the heart, and, even if they don't like something--that's from the heart too. I've gotten offers for all kinds of crazy smex in my fanfiction accounts. While all of that is something that doesn't really interest me, there's something truly wonderful in those offers as well.

In all honestly, I think that fantiction saved my life, and preserved what little is left of my sanity. It allowed me to create and the connect with readers on a level I've never been able to connect while doing...this. When I first went into it, it was because of a picture of a beautiful man who I did not recognize. There was a call to play that man and I was told that the picture was Gackt, and Gackt needed to be a vampire. The character was hard to play correctly and had a whole bunch of traits that needed to be adhered to in order to successfully represent him. 

It was a challenge I couldn't pass up, and one I was very good at. Gackt the Vampire liked beautiful men:) I rose to that challenge, met it, and conquered it. After that, I started listening to the people around me and how they wanted this story and that story and missed this character or that character wasn't represented well, and a fanfiction writer was born. I couldn't pass up that kind of needy lust. I became whomever they needed me to become. 

_____

I read something recently that some very thoughtful authors put up on Twitter about self-publishing and how truly hard it is. There was a list of qualifications as to whether you'd be a good self-publisher or not. I doubt they'll ever see this, or know that I feel this way, but I appreciated the posts. It, at least, showed me that bitching and crying was pointless, and that I am not as alone as I think I am. 

I never thought self publishing was going to be easier. It was an act of sheer desperation on my part. I don't really have the money, and I most certainly have the feeling that I am wasting my life attempting to be something that is truly beyond me--like stars or something. And, yet, I did feel it was my responsibility to put that book out there. And it is my responsibility to put the others I have in line out as well. There isn't enough love in this world. It's that fucking simple. 

Then again, I've been told that my stories were porn. Soooo...my concept of love might be a little fucked. 

-Shrugs-

_____

Messing with Jeff and Ben requires intimate knowledge of not one main character but two--who happen to be all kinds of crazy. The good thing is, thus far, they are getting along, and are rather mesmerized by one another. That's ... sexy. 

Song:

Btw, WTF Youtube? Don't you know I like to berate people in my account and ghost champion my various causes? You think I want to put my legit name on all that abuse? <.<

Introverts and Extroverts

I came across some interesting thoughts on the difference between introverts and extroverts. I've always felt these things, but it was good to see it displayed for the entire world. As an introverted person, I have a severe disability in dealing with people that I don't trust totally. I think too much. I ponder questions that others give answers to easily, and the world, as it is, doesn't make sense to me. This has always been the case and this is why I create worlds.

Racism doesn't make sense to me except on an economic level which allows one group to have more and do more than the other by right of birth. For economic reasons, racism makes a certain malevolent, self-serving, kind of sense. Being against homosexuality, doesn't make sense to me. I can find no legitimate reason for knocking the ability of one person to love another consenting adult if they chose to. Sexism doesn't make sense either, but on the other side of that feminism has risen to something that is borderline insane. Shunning the homeless and treating them like...less. Not feeding starving people because they're "lazy". Not educating the poor in the hopes of creating a better world for all. Etc., Etc., Etc.

I've turned these things inside out and sideways, and have come to the conclusion that I do not have to take any of these thing personally simply because they are outside of my own general makeup. These things exist outside of me, and I am content to leave them there.

I have people in my life who subscribe to all these common 'hatreds'. I have never and will never understand them in a way that goes beyond anything but speculation as to the source of why people feel this way. Some people say, for example, that racism is instinctual, because of the difference in look. I call bullshit on that one. I don't know the "real" answer, but I'm fairly certain that's not it. I'm leaning toward the economic division as the most true. In order for some people to be on top some people have to be on the bottom, and they must be made to understand that their place is the bottom and to be relatively content down there. Racism.

I found this news article on the blog of a man who has a bunch of degrees, writes beautifully, and with a style that immediately commands attention---and lives in a homeless shelter, happy to get a coat for the harsh weather. I found him utterly fascinating and read his entire blog in one day. I think like that person. The sad thing is, this is not the way to think if you want to make it in this world. I see visions of homeless shelters in my future. Emotional homeless shelters, definitely. Physical ones are extremely likely. It's like living in Bizarro World, people. For me, it's opposite day all the time.

When I chose to write my own book, when that book was the thing I wanted to write and not what someone was telling me to write or what someone else thought I should be writing, you can easily see what I chose to put out on my own.

The longer I'm at it, though, the more I realize that I wrote that one for me. And I am in it. While I struggle around and fight the system for a place for my true voice to be heard, I am no longer shocked by the cruel reaction I get. You're either part of the system or you're not, and if you're not part of the system, you are rather reviled. By everyone. So be it.

I've had my money taken. I've been kicked off lists I've earned the right to be on. I've had shitty reviews written with malice of intent for beautiful books and I don't really exist...

...I am a compilation of accepted writers writing under a pseudonym...

...I'm stuck up and "uppity" and don't know my place...

...I'm confusing except when I'm writing for someone else and they're getting paid off my dreams...

...I am...

....whatever you say...

...I am...

...If I wasn't, then why would you say I am?

That said, here's the video on Introverts vs. Extroverts. It's worth watching:

Also, I'm writing some Jeff the Killer X Ben Drowned for NaNo (maybe for NaNo). I'm looking forward to all the sex and text murder. This replaces the Dracula story for something I'm doing on the side. If you look for it, you'll be able to find it in a couple of days.

Happy Halloweeeeeeeeen!!!!

From Jeff the Killer and Ben Drowned:

Ignore

Ignore this post, please.

Link's not for your clicking. <.<

Thank you:)













Hypersmash.com

Count Dracula

I believe I mentioned somewhere along the tour that Dracula was my favorite vampire of all time. Though a vicious predator, the Count is beautiful to me. He is the most beautiful in the form above simply because this is the way I first saw him. 

As terrifying as he was, I fell in love with him instantly. As I have gotten older, I learned that my love stemmed from this creature's basic honesty. He was in love. His love was denied him. He wanted to tear down the world in revenge for that. 

He uses humanity's basic nature against them in order to get what he wants. He plays with lust like it's a game he knows very well reducing people to their most basic animal without pretense. He cuts through all bullshit and he gets those panties off--every time. 

Count Dracula is the least full-of-shit person I know (as well as you can know a fictional character anyway). He's not a rapist. He does not use force. He is seduction personified. I've studied Vlad Tepes with a passion, and somewhere on my computer is a huge ass story about him/Dracula. It's not erotic, though it does have elements. Mostly, it's just...weird. 

I'm considering giving it away for free in chapters, since, ultimately, that's what I do anyway. Write for free. 

$0.00, Babeh.

Definitely a labor of love.

It's just so odd, I have to wonder if people will read it. It's already written (questionably), so posting a chapter once a week wouldn't be too much for me to handle without an editor and all that--and I have a domain name for it. And, at least you'll get to go some place truly strange.

We'll see...for that particular story.

_____

I think that's all my silent, slightly nefarious, little stalkers...

...Except the song of the day...

...Dedicated to my vampire...

Darling I'm Lost

Adrift in the dark

Clutching your words

To my vampire heart once more

So let in the light

Turn me to dust

If it don't end in bloodshed dear

It's probably not Love...

I'm too busy for this, but the thoughts couldn't be helped.

Why Be A King When You Can Be A God?

Eminem has always been one of my favorite rappers. I do not agree with the statement that he is the best rapper ever. I do think that he is one of the best rappers ever though. I like all kinds of music. Rap ranks as something that I enjoy listening to as long as its not the irresponsible kind. Irresponsible rap music is the kind of rap music that tells the people listening to you to do the things you would never really do yourself considering how much money you have and the big glass palace that you live in and would do anything not to lose. I also do not like rap music that has a grotesque disrespect for women. But these are all my things and to each his own and all that. Music is an expression, and one should be able to express how one feels, and far be it from me to judge anyone's expressions. My biggest personal battle is to be able to express myself in the way that I feel and not the way other people think that I should feel based on some labels the world has saddled me with. 

However, I must take notice of the irresponsible people. Being a star and promoting things that bring about hatred in this world is an irresponsible act--especially for a 'god'. 

Little gay looking boy

So gay I can barely say it with a straight face looking boy

You witnessing a massacre

Like you watching a church gathering taking place looking boy

These words are grotesquely irresponsible. I'm not even sure what they mean, but I do know how they feel. Little gay looking boys are killing themselves everyday for words and emotions like this. And nobody cares. We say they were weak and wrong and look the other way. There is certainly no responsibility on our part to see that things like this don't happen--that people don't die for nothing. And that's what it is. Nothing. The disapproval of those that don't know you about something that they don't want even attempt to understand. It's sad all around, honestly, but its even sadder when a 'god' does it.

I'll still be able to break a motherfuckin' table

Over the backs of a couple of faggots and crack it in half

I'm hearing that in this particular lyric, the word 'faggot' was not used in the way people think but in some other general way that is far more acceptable. My answer: use another word. When people are running around killing other people people because of who or what they are, the responsible thing to do here would have been to simply use another word. It is what a god would do, because a god would understand that they have some responsibility and some accountability for the for the things they say when those things are listened to by millions upon millions of 'worshippers'. 

People have slaughtered in the name of their religion, and, if you're going to set yourself up as something otherworldly, like a god, then you have to know that your words have an affect upon your devotees. 

*

Once upon a time, a little girl got a twitter account and in that twitter account she had the picture that labels a book she wrote. She went around clicking on the profiles of the people she admired and one of those profiles was Eminem's because he was a struggle in and off himself and he made it and she was glad. The twitter account obviously had automatic friend back (or whatever the hell you call it...I'm, quite honestly, twitter-tarded) and she was so surprised and happy that she got any kind of response from this person. 

The next day, the account had unsubscribed, and she wondered about that. It couldn't have been personal. she did not know this most awesome of human beings, therefore, why?

At the time, she did not consider the little picture that represented her to the twitter world--one man wrapped in the arms of another man--two people in love. 

*

Think what you will. Believe as you choose. But if you're going to take on the heavy mantle of being a god, you should try and be a responsible one. 

Forgot my damn song. My friend gave me this. Love her.

Tour Stuff

October 14

Mythical Books

http://mythicalbooks.blogspot.ro/

"These are lovely people"
*

October 15
I, honestly, do not acknowledge bullshit in any way.
*

October 16

Fierce Dolan

http://www.fiercedolan.com/

Today's song is:

Chris Crocker, Baby...