I will never be able to express how much I love fanfiction. It is the most anti-Industry thing I have found. There is freedom in it, and while the gain is most certainly not monetary, there is equal value in being recognized by the people that read you and being loved by them. Their reviews are from the heart, and, even if they don't like something--that's from the heart too. I've gotten offers for all kinds of crazy smex in my fanfiction accounts. While all of that is something that doesn't really interest me, there's something truly wonderful in those offers as well.
In all honestly, I think that fantiction saved my life, and preserved what little is left of my sanity. It allowed me to create and the connect with readers on a level I've never been able to connect while doing...this. When I first went into it, it was because of a picture of a beautiful man who I did not recognize. There was a call to play that man and I was told that the picture was Gackt, and Gackt needed to be a vampire. The character was hard to play correctly and had a whole bunch of traits that needed to be adhered to in order to successfully represent him.
It was a challenge I couldn't pass up, and one I was very good at. Gackt the Vampire liked beautiful men:) I rose to that challenge, met it, and conquered it. After that, I started listening to the people around me and how they wanted this story and that story and missed this character or that character wasn't represented well, and a fanfiction writer was born. I couldn't pass up that kind of needy lust. I became whomever they needed me to become.
I read something recently that some very thoughtful authors put up on Twitter about self-publishing and how truly hard it is. There was a list of qualifications as to whether you'd be a good self-publisher or not. I doubt they'll ever see this, or know that I feel this way, but I appreciated the posts. It, at least, showed me that bitching and crying was pointless, and that I am not as alone as I think I am.
I never thought self publishing was going to be easier. It was an act of sheer desperation on my part. I don't really have the money, and I most certainly have the feeling that I am wasting my life attempting to be something that is truly beyond me--like stars or something. And, yet, I did feel it was my responsibility to put that book out there. And it is my responsibility to put the others I have in line out as well. There isn't enough love in this world. It's that fucking simple.
Then again, I've been told that my stories were porn. Soooo...my concept of love might be a little fucked.
Messing with Jeff and Ben requires intimate knowledge of not one main character but two--who happen to be all kinds of crazy. The good thing is, thus far, they are getting along, and are rather mesmerized by one another. That's ... sexy.
Btw, WTF Youtube? Don't you know I like to berate people in my account and ghost champion my various causes? You think I want to put my legit name on all that abuse? <.<